I’ve been thinking about my crush at high school. Probably because a friend made me talk about him, like two weeks ago. Or probably there’s another reason, like I posted something about him on 9gag and a stranger comment really got to my head. For whatever reason, I feel like I’m back to my 14 yo self who like this one guy so much.

It has been 9 years since I heard that cool sarcasm poem he made for a senior girl and forced to read it in front of the whole new freshmen. It was supposed to be a love letter, every one of us had to make one for an opponent-sex senior, but he made a poem full of insult to this one very-annoying senior. She was furious. She pushed him around to read that poem to every 7 groups of freshmen. We all laughed so hard. I laughed so hard. And I was amazed. Not only because he had the gut to write that kind of language to a senior whom was very grumpy, but also because the poem he wrote was so good. It was hard to impress me by anything, it still is, but I have to admit I was impressed. Very impressed. Especially for a boy. Especially for a boy his age. Perhaps that was the moment I got hooked.

You’re probably wondering what happened next, why did I title this post “confession”. To answer that: no, we were not dating. I wish, haha. To this day I never know how was his feeling for me. That’s perhaps the reason I’m not quiet over this yet, I have a problem with closure. Even if there was an affection for me, I probably drove him away because of my attitude. I thought I got this clue that he was into me, but I did something really stupid every time we were alone. Like this one time, when we and other couples of friends were going to study at my house, and he arrived first, and I got so nervous and out of control so I went to my neighbor/friend’s house to pick her up and back to my house so I and him wouldn’t be alone. I think he thought I was stupid or weird or something. And this other time, I said something rude that he would definitely hate me for that. And I regret everything I had done in front of him to this day.

One thing you have to know about me is that I am a private person. I’m not that wallflower kind of girl, I have many friends. It’s just I don’t explain my self when I am not asked. Even if I’m asked, I only answer a few people I trust. And in that first year of high school, only two person know about this. My best friends. Another thing you have to know is that I find it hard to display my affection to anyone. I don’t confess my feelings easily. Even to my friends and families. And look where it got me: writing about things I should’ve done 9 years ago.

Because I am so reserved, I got this “thing” build up inside me. I don’t know if I still like him, but he never entirely disappear from my head. And I think the reason is because I want to tell him (but my ego says no) and I’m wondering if he like(d) me too. When my head and my heart argue about something, I usually let my head win. You know, because it makes sense. But again, that “thing”, it never stop bothering me. So I find this problem a solution. Not a very good solution, but I think I can let go after I do it. Since this is a private blog, I’d like to confess my feelings in here. My alias in this blog is not entirely a fake name, some of my friends knew, but not all of them. They mostly don’t know about this blog and I couldn’t find reason they’d search for it, so I’ll confess here. The worlds are able to know but you wouldn’t know who am I. My friends would know either, if they knew my alias and his alias. But they don’t necessarily find this blog.

So here it is:

Dear Parabek,

I know it doesn’t matter anymore but I’d like you to know that I liked you so much. You probably had no intention to attend that high school, but it doesn’t lessen my gratitude for a chance to get to know you. You’re very great guy. I’ve met many guys since, but none of them are like you. You are unique, as far as I know. That’s probably why I liked you.

I’d like to apologize about what I’ve said or done which possibly made you upset. It was the first time I like a boy that much that I couldn’t handle my self. I was out of control and it all came out wrong.

I’d like to do this in person, but I’m a huge coward. I’m sorry. I can’t stand of thinking that you’ll think I’m such a weirdo (which probably you’re already have). I have to admit, I do this for my self. So I can let go. Not wondering anymore.

I wish that you’ll find this, but I also wish you won’t.
Thanks for reading, or not reading. 🙂

Sincerely yours,

Naichi Potter