Personality Disorder — December 29, 2016

Personality Disorder

So, I just got out of a relationship, if you can call it a relationship. I remembered when I read New Moon, Twilight Series, Bella felt that there was a hole in her chest when Edward dumped her. One of my friend also told me this when she was getting nowhere with her now-husband, years ago. At the moment I thought they were exagerating, hyperbolic. Now, I don’t judge them anymore, haha. It indeed felt so hurt, like physical pain. I find myself sleeping in fetal position all the time. I can’t sleep if I don’t have something to hold on to my chest.

Anyway, I don’t wanna dwell on this failed relationship anymore. If it’s meant to be, then we’ll find each other in the forseeable future. If it’s not, then there will be another better guy who’ll love me more than he did. But I always believe that something happened for a reason. Or reasons. And one of the thing I found is that I might have some personality disorders.

I acted like a crazy person around him. He’s not actually around, he’s halfway across the world, but you get the gist, right? He somehow awakened my deep-burried personality. I was dealing with a lot of issues growing up. And my coping mechanism is to surpress my feelings, ignore it, it doesn’t matter how I felt, there were a lot of problems to deal with than taking care of my feelings. I surpressed it to the point I become a cold and distant person. I don’t get attached to my family or friends. I did get attached to my mom, though. Anyway, he triggered emotions in me. Lots of emotions. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I cried a lot, either because I was happy, or sad. I’m not emotional, but maybe I was in my early childhood. I usually don’t easily trust a person and let them make me feel, well, anything. But I was getting suggestion from articles, friends, psychologist to try trusting a person. Try to see that there’s no motive behind a kind gesture but kindness. So I tried. He seems harmless. He’s a taplok anyway. He contacted me even after PROKM, so I thought I could trust him.

The problem is, I might have Histrionic Personality Disorder and Codependency. I’m not a trained psychologist though, I drew this conclusion based on internet research. So, I probably drew a wrong conclusion by chance. However, it will explain a lot of things.

An histrionic person likes to draw attention to themselves. I don’t. I really don’t like to draw attention, but I don’t mind it if everyone give it to me, really. I was a center of universe to my family back then. And being with him, I felt like I was that kid again. I love and seek attention from him to the point I become so clingy. I couldn’t believe my self for doing that. Sometimes I found my self asking, why did you do this, why did you do that, but his attention distracted me, and made me happy, and I didn’t question it anymore. And now he’s tired, haha.

Histrionic person is also dramatic and emotional. I’m usually reliable to become a judge, to be objective seeing a situation. But with him, I wasn’t thinking straight. I was so dumb. I looked dumb, although I know in my heart I’m a smart, smart girl. I questioned everything, become dramatic, emotional, and he would calm me down, gave me the attention I longed for. It felt good, it felt so good that I’m addicted to it so I did it again and again. It also distracted me from some red flags along the way. All I wanted is attention and I know he can’t ignore me, no matter how mad he is.

Another issue is codependency. I don’t know if these two problems can coexist. Again, I’m not a psychologist, these two problems look like they contradict each other. But this was my first diagnosis before histrionic, and it fit. He often treated me like crap. He was very rude, and loved making me jealous. As a histrionic, I can’t handle divided attention. But, I have codependency issue, boundary issue. Codependent person like to take the blame on themselves. They would say it’s my fault, although it’s actually not. And it makes sense, because I was raised that way. If there were something wrong, my family would say, “You could’ve done this. You could’ve done that,” although it was clearly not my responsibility. He did the same. But I think this is his defense mechanism of low self esteem. I also have low self esteem, and as a codependent person, I hate seeing that in others. I can’t stand of someone being hurt. I’d love nothing than try to make this person to feel good again. But this way, I was ignoring my own feelings, my own needs. I failed to recognize that I was hurting too, that I was not okay of being treated that way. But my will to help is bigger than the need to express my feelings. And he took advantage of it. Well, we all love a little comforting, especially from the one who say they love us, don’t we?

I don’t have all the symptoms of Histrionic nor Codependency, but it’s enough to make me aware of my confusion behaviours lately. And in psychology, you don’t need to have all the symptoms to have some disorder, or complex anyway. On my research, I found that these two issues can only be treated using psychotherapy. Which I can’t afford. I guess I just have to suck it up, acknowledge it, and learned how to control it. Especially when some great guy come in my way. (fingercrossed)

Theodore Taptiklis — June 10, 2014

Theodore Taptiklis

I guess you might be saying “Who the hell is Theodore Taptiklis?”, right? Haha. Yeah, well, he’s one of many hollywood hotties. He’s well known by his stage name, but I don’t wanna write it here, because I don’t want this article to go around. From now on I’ll refer him as Theo.

Theo is the second man that can, literally, take my breath away. Did I meet him? No, of course not! We’re at different side of earth, don’t be silly (well, maybe I should tell that my self, haha). No, we haven’t met (yet :p). But yeah, he did take my breath away, haha. This was happened when I watched one of his movie at a cinema. It was scene when he appeared the first time on that movie. His face covered most of the screen and he looked at camera so intensely. Well, I know he looked at the camera, but with his big face on screen and I watched him on darkness like I were alone and with that intimidating looking of him, I couldn’t help feeling that he gave ME that look. I couldn’t help feeling he looked at ME. Then, I forgot breathing.

I know that was silly, haha, but I couldn’t help it! God, I wish I could.

Theo is not the kind of actor that many girls (or women – I never consider me as a woman) as a cutie. He’s not cute, but he is hot and very very good looking. Although, most girls usually won’t consider Theo as the hottest or the most handsome. But I do :D. And I’m wondering why.

As I wrote before, Theo is the second man that can, literally, take my breath away. Then who was the first? The first one was my crush at high school. I never really found what made me like him either, and I was still wondering. Then, when Theo took my breath away for the first time, I started to compare him with my crush. I found my self surprise as I realized that they both have a pair of deep-set eyes, although Theo’s are deeper, their eyes color also similar, but my crush’s are darker. They both have big long nose, thick lip, square strong jaw, big Adam’s Apple, large forehead, sturdy figures, perfect teeth and tanned skin. I dropped my jaw when I compared their photographs. I know they don’t look alike but their features are so similar. And Theo’s features are so perfect to me that they can affect me, even from the screen.

Before I watch this movie of Theo, I never realized what is my type of men. I was always questioning why do I never really move on from my crush. But, after that movie, I realize Theo is the perfect version of my kind of men. Physically. He’s not photogenic (neither my crush), but he’s really intimidating in real life (or video at least :p)

Peeta Mellark — February 7, 2014

Peeta Mellark

I’m in love with this character. Clearly, I am. Hahaha

Yeah, well, I’m one of those Hunger Games’s fans. I love reading books, especially fiction. But, I knew Hunger Games from it’s movies first then it’s books. After I watched The Hunger Games movie, I like character Peeta Mellark more than Gale Hawthorne. Girls usually like Gale more than Peeta. Yeah, I know Liam Hemsworth is kinda dreamy, haha. But I don’t. I don’t know why but I could see there’s something more in Peeta that was not covered by the movie. I usually attract to something or someone like that. Things that others don’t notice, but have more value than the popular one. Of course, I mean in real life too.

And, as usually, my gut is right. When I started reading the books, I knew character Peeta better. And he was one of the true kindness that existed. Well, at least in books, hehe. He was one of those people that did good things just because they couldn’t do bad things. They did good things because they wanted to do it, no motive at all. He was sincere. He demanded nothing in return. At all. And I think that was what made Katniss fell in love with him. And also do I, haha. :p

I usually burst into tears when I read the part where Peeta told how much he cared about Katniss or showed his love to her. It was so pure that no one could deny how true and big his love was. He never told how much he loved Katniss. He just showed. But I think that is what really count. I read Twilight Saga as well, and Edward Cullen’s love is the biggest love I had ever known before I knew Peeta. Edward sometimes showed his egoistical side which Peeta never did. Peeta was not only kind to Katniss. He was kind to everyone. But he was ready to confront any dangers that threatened the one he loved. And for me, it is more noble than what Edward did. I never fall for Edward, but I do fall for Peeta.

Lee Donghae — February 4, 2014

Lee Donghae

Kaget ya gue juga suka korea? Hahahaha. Well, I did. I don’t like them now hehe. Not anymore.

Gue dulu suka boyband korea cuma Super Junior (Suju). Kenapa? Karena dance-nya paling gampang ditiru, hehe. Dan karena gue suka Lee Donghae 🙂 . Gue ngikutin K-Pop emang cuma gara-gara dance-nya doang. Lagunya gue ga suka, honestly. Liriknya alay booo.

Diantara ke-13 anggota Suju, gue paling suka Lee Donghae karena gue suka banget dancing style-nya. Biasanya penggemar Suju lebih suka style-nya Eunhyuk, tapi menurut gue Eunhyuk nge-dance nya lebay. Kalo Donghae lebih alami gitu deh. Tambah lagi, Donghae manly gitu nge-dance nya.

Biasanya, fans Suju ga me-recognize Donghae. Kenapa? Donghae memang termasuk top 3 Suju yang jago nge-dance, tapi suaranya ga bagus-bagus amat. Jadi dia ga sering kebagian jatah nyanyi dan ga sering disorot di MV (music video) clip mereka. Trus, tampang Donghae bukan jadi favorit cewe-cewe. Secara fisik, gue sih paling suka Lee Donghae. Tapi kalo fans Suju kebanyakan lebih suka Siwon atau ga Kyuhyun. Kalau suara, fans kebanyakan milih Kyuhyun, Yesung atau Ryeowook. Tapi justru ini yang bikin gue semakin suka Donghae. Gue emang suka yang tidak begitu populer, tapi sebenernya punya nilai lebih dibanding yang populer, haha.

Donghae manly-nya ga cuma pas nge-dance, style fashion-nya pun manly. Body language-nya pun manly. Dibandingin Donghae, Kangin emang lebih manly siih. Tapi yang gue suka dari Donghae adalah kombinasi dari semua yang udah gue tulis tadi. If there’s another Donghae in my real life, I might have fall for him, hahaha :p .

Artis-artis korea, cewe atau cowo, biasanya sok-sok imut gitu kan? Nah, si Donghae beda. Dia ga sok imut. Dan ga sering selfie. Kalo gugling foto-fotonya, pasti kebanyakan dapetnya foto dengan ekspresi alami. Jarang yang dibuat-buat. Sok keren ataupun sok imut. Dan gue suka itu. Menurut gue, Donghae itu keren dan manly, ga imut.

Namun itu dulu. Segalanya berubah setelah negara api menyerang, hahaha.

Ya, itu benar sekali. Namun yang gue maksud dengan “negara api” adalah album Suju yang berjudul “Sexy, Free and Single”. Album ini keluar tahun 2012. Tema yang diusung SM (label Suju) untuk album ini adalah Beautiful Man. Dan entah kenapa, Donghae dijadiin “maskot”. Dia dikasih banyak porsi buat nyanyi dan dia sering disorot pas dancing. Efeknya, fans jadi me-recognize Donghae dan baru menyadari how adorable he is. Trus jadi banyak deh yang suka Donghae.

Awalnya gue males doang siih gara-gara udah banyak aja yang suka Donghae. Gue seakan-akan pengen bilang, “Where have you been, guys?” . Trus dengan semakin banyaknya fans Donghae, Donghae nya mulai berubah. Dulu, Donghae jarang banget update twitter. Kalo update pun, dia ga ngepost foto-foto selfie-nya. Nah sekarang? Hampir tiap hari dia update foto selfie nya dengan tampang sok imut. Style-nya juga berubah. Kalo dulu manly, kalo sekarang hipster. And I hate him because all of that.

Akhirnya, gue ga ngefollow twitter-nya lagi, gue ga ngikutin Suju lagi, dan gue berhenti jadi fans K-Pop. Ini deh coba cek before-after nya Donghae.

Before

  

After

Happy Birthday! — January 31, 2014

Happy Birthday!

Today is not actually my birthday. It was several days ago, but it’s still January, so I guess the celebration atmosphere is still in the air.

This year, I’m turning 22 years old. *God, I love this number <3* I didn’t expect anything on my birthday, and I truly got what I expected haha. Well, I’m just not excited by birthday anymore. But I do count on my new age. I’m waiting this age. Although I hate being old, and I hate twenties, I do love 22. And I love this song, haha :D. I really really wanna thank Taylor Swift for making this song just before my 22nd birthday. Just a luck coincidence, fufufu.

People usually make a new resolution for new year, but I don’t. For me, who was born in January, new year means new age. So, I usually make my resolution on my birthday. But this year, I didn’t, haha. I don’t know what I have to do this year. Or wanna do. Or want something. My life is just THAT flat for the last few years. One thing that I definitely have to get this year is my bachelor degree. I have to graduate. Soon. I don’t wanna stuck in college anymore. I wanna be free.

So, I guess that will be my resolution this year, haha. I really hope it happen. 🙂

People Do Not Change — January 30, 2014

People Do Not Change

Jadi hari ini gue nge-stalk blog nya mantan kecengan gue dulu di SMA. Biasa, masih penasaran ama orangnya (kecengan-red). Hehe 😛

Ga banyak yang gue dapet dari sana. Isinya kebanyakan curhat, jadi gue males juga bacanya. Seperti yang udah gue duga selama ini, si doi emang ga suka tipe cewe-cewe dandan gitu. Dia sukanya yang polos. Ga ditambal bedak, lipstik. Kaya gue dulu, haha. *ge-er mode : on* 😛

Gue dulu SMA agak sedikit tomboy. Make bedak anti banget. Tapi gue sebenernya peduli ama kesehatan kulit gue. Cuma dulu gue ga terlalu paham (walaupun tahu) manfaat bedak dan dandanan-dandanan lain. Sekarang, kalo orang liat gue pasti kesan nya gue cewe yang suka semua yang pink-pink. Dulu gue benci sama pink. Tapi sejak gue liat kombinasi kulit gue dengan warna pink, gue suka banget. Kulit gue putih pucat gitu. Antara Ivory Skin ama Fair Skin. Bagus banget kaan, kalo dikombinasiin ama warna pink pucat gitu? Don’t you think?

Kalo temen-temen SMA gue liat gue yang sekarang, pasti mereka mikir gue berubah. But I do believe that people don’t change. Well, perhaps I’ve changed. But it’s really just the outer me. Just my look. Deep down inside, I don’t change. I love sweet things, cute things. Gue sekarang masih beda kok ama cewe-cewe dandan, tapi emang lebih terawat dibanding dulu waktu gue di SMA. I was just getting different point of view. Gue masih tomboy, gue ga suka belanja lama-lama, gue ga doyan film romantic comedy, gue ga suka tereak2 ga jelas liat artis korea, dan masih banyak lagi yang sama. Secara prinsip gue ga berubah. Tapi appearance, gue emang berubah.

First Timer —

First Timer

I’ve just created a new blog. Huzzah!

Well, awalnya gue ga pengen ngeblog di site ini, soalnya kesannya terlalu gimanaaa gitu. Kaya gue anak “sok” serius gitu, pake nulis segala. Makanya gue bikin akun di Tumblr, dan bikin dua blog disana. Trus, kenapa pindah kesini? It’s too damn crowded back there. Gue hampir ga mau publish apa-apa. Tapi tetep pengen nulis. Jadilah gue bikin akun disini.

Nama gue bukan Naichi Potter beneran kok. Yeah, a little bit alay haha. But it’s for my own sake. Ada beberapa orang siih yang tau nama ini, tapi ga masalah kok. You’ve already know who I am. Untuk postingan-postingan kedepan, gue akan selalu make nama ini.

So, kalo emang make nama itu, kenapa alamatnya “anaktukangbajak”, nai? Karena gue emang anak tukang bajak! Hehe 😀 . Tenaaang, bukan piracy koook. Bajak yang gue maksud disini adalah traktor tradisional yang digunakan untuk membajak sawah. Bajak tradisional ini terbuat dari kayu, namun ada bagian yang dilapisi besi sehingga mampu untuk “memperlunak” tanah. Cara makenya ditarik pake kerbau, petani ngatur arah jalannya kerbau. Nah, Bapak gue bikin yang begituan tuuh. Dulu, kalo ditanya-tanya gue anak siapa, gue jawabnya *dengan nada anak-anak sok imut* “Anak tukang bajak!”.

Well, this will be my trash can, full of whatever craps come to my mind. I don’t expect reader(s). So, if you’re reading this, please, don’t share, don’t tell. Or something bad is going to happen to you. You’ve warned. Haha. *Just kidding, though*