So, I just got out of a relationship, if you can call it a relationship. I remembered when I read New Moon, Twilight Series, Bella felt that there was a hole in her chest when Edward dumped her. One of my friend also told me this when she was getting nowhere with her now-husband, years ago. At the moment I thought they were exagerating, hyperbolic. Now, I don’t judge them anymore, haha. It indeed felt so hurt, like physical pain. I find myself sleeping in fetal position all the time. I can’t sleep if I don’t have something to hold on to my chest.
Anyway, I don’t wanna dwell on this failed relationship anymore. If it’s meant to be, then we’ll find each other in the forseeable future. If it’s not, then there will be another better guy who’ll love me more than he did. But I always believe that something happened for a reason. Or reasons. And one of the thing I found is that I might have some personality disorders.
I acted like a crazy person around him. He’s not actually around, he’s halfway across the world, but you get the gist, right? He somehow awakened my deep-burried personality. I was dealing with a lot of issues growing up. And my coping mechanism is to surpress my feelings, ignore it, it doesn’t matter how I felt, there were a lot of problems to deal with than taking care of my feelings. I surpressed it to the point I become a cold and distant person. I don’t get attached to my family or friends. I did get attached to my mom, though. Anyway, he triggered emotions in me. Lots of emotions. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I cried a lot, either because I was happy, or sad. I’m not emotional, but maybe I was in my early childhood. I usually don’t easily trust a person and let them make me feel, well, anything. But I was getting suggestion from articles, friends, psychologist to try trusting a person. Try to see that there’s no motive behind a kind gesture but kindness. So I tried. He seems harmless. He’s a taplok anyway. He contacted me even after PROKM, so I thought I could trust him.
The problem is, I might have Histrionic Personality Disorder and Codependency. I’m not a trained psychologist though, I drew this conclusion based on internet research. So, I probably drew a wrong conclusion by chance. However, it will explain a lot of things.
An histrionic person likes to draw attention to themselves. I don’t. I really don’t like to draw attention, but I don’t mind it if everyone give it to me, really. I was a center of universe to my family back then. And being with him, I felt like I was that kid again. I love and seek attention from him to the point I become so clingy. I couldn’t believe my self for doing that. Sometimes I found my self asking, why did you do this, why did you do that, but his attention distracted me, and made me happy, and I didn’t question it anymore. And now he’s tired, haha.
Histrionic person is also dramatic and emotional. I’m usually reliable to become a judge, to be objective seeing a situation. But with him, I wasn’t thinking straight. I was so dumb. I looked dumb, although I know in my heart I’m a smart, smart girl. I questioned everything, become dramatic, emotional, and he would calm me down, gave me the attention I longed for. It felt good, it felt so good that I’m addicted to it so I did it again and again. It also distracted me from some red flags along the way. All I wanted is attention and I know he can’t ignore me, no matter how mad he is.
Another issue is codependency. I don’t know if these two problems can coexist. Again, I’m not a psychologist, these two problems look like they contradict each other. But this was my first diagnosis before histrionic, and it fit. He often treated me like crap. He was very rude, and loved making me jealous. As a histrionic, I can’t handle divided attention. But, I have codependency issue, boundary issue. Codependent person like to take the blame on themselves. They would say it’s my fault, although it’s actually not. And it makes sense, because I was raised that way. If there were something wrong, my family would say, “You could’ve done this. You could’ve done that,” although it was clearly not my responsibility. He did the same. But I think this is his defense mechanism of low self esteem. I also have low self esteem, and as a codependent person, I hate seeing that in others. I can’t stand of someone being hurt. I’d love nothing than try to make this person to feel good again. But this way, I was ignoring my own feelings, my own needs. I failed to recognize that I was hurting too, that I was not okay of being treated that way. But my will to help is bigger than the need to express my feelings. And he took advantage of it. Well, we all love a little comforting, especially from the one who say they love us, don’t we?
I don’t have all the symptoms of Histrionic nor Codependency, but it’s enough to make me aware of my confusion behaviours lately. And in psychology, you don’t need to have all the symptoms to have some disorder, or complex anyway. On my research, I found that these two issues can only be treated using psychotherapy. Which I can’t afford. I guess I just have to suck it up, acknowledge it, and learned how to control it. Especially when some great guy come in my way. (fingercrossed)