— April 25, 2017
— April 21, 2017

I wanna be with you. But I’m afraid I’ll lose you the same way before. I know I have to be patient. But not everyday is a good day. Like this particular day.

— April 17, 2017

Hey you. What’s holding you back?

You should know my heart by now. You said it yourself you’re an observer.

:p

Here’s a song I’ve been singing to my self when I miss you.

Anak sipasan dalam rimbo

Mati digolek-golek batang

Nan bapasan kami nan tido

Ratok tangih manyuruah pulang

Ondeh-ondeh iyoo~

Manyuruah pulang, ondeh tuan oi

Pilin bapilin tali rantai

Ka tali sampan di muaro

Kirim bakirim indak sampai

Hati lah mabuak kaduonyo

Ondeh-ondeh iyoo~

Hati lah mabuak yo kaduonyo

Iyooo~

Nan tampuo tabang ka kapeh

Dari kapeh lah tabang pulo, lah tabang pulo

Nan basuo, taragak lapeh

Kok bacarai lah seso pulo

Bialah pandan den tinggakan

Pandannyo lapuak dalam sawah

Bialah badan bajauahan

Asa dihati ndak barubah

Ondeh-ondeh iyoo~

Asa dihati indak barubah~

— April 9, 2017

I’ve always thought it’ll be long until I develope the feeling of wanting children of my own. Because I already have 9 nephews and nieces.

But not until recently.

Some weeks ago, suddenly at night I cried my self to sleep because I want to hold a baby. My baby. Who’ll call me “Mama” or “Ibu” or “Bunda”. Those tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny fingers. And there’s no doubt that they’re mine.

 

I rarely have specific desire. But when I do, I want it bad. So bad.

— April 8, 2017

Do you know that it broke my heart everytime you sang Raisa’s song “Jatuh Hati”?

The line when it says, “Ku tak harus memilikimu, tapi boleh kah ku slalu didekatmu~.”

I wanna be yours.

And you mine.

 

You have no idea what happened in my heart when you said, “You’re mine!”

I took as many activities, as many responsibilities as I could. So I won’t be thinking about you all the time. I’ll be tired easily and go to sleep.

I really hope I can overcome this soon. Especially if God already decide that we’re actually not good for each other.

 

I hope not.

 

 

But if He did, I hope I can find it in my heart to be happy for you. With whoever you ended up with.

My love is still wanting to have.

You once said, “Laa tahzan … ” and you want me to continue saying, “Innallaha ma ‘ana.”

What more proof do you want that you wanna be good too?

I can’t leave your name in my prayer. Because when I do, I’m not in peace.

Firasat — April 7, 2017

Firasat

Kemarin, ku lihat awan membentuk wajahmu
Desau angin meniupkan namamu
Tubuhku terpaku

Semalam bulan sabit melengkungkan senyummu
Tabur bintang serupa kilau auramu
Aku pun sadari ku segera berlari

Cepat pulang, cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi
Firasatku ingin kau tuk cepat pulang
Cepat kembali jangan pergi lagi

Akhirnya bagai sungai yang mendamba samudera
Ku tahu pasti kemana kan ku bermuara
Semoga ada waktu (sayangku) sayangku

Ku percaya alam pun berbahasa
Ada makna di balik semua pertanda
Firasat ini rasa rindukah ataukah tanda bahaya
Aku tak peduli ku terus berlari

Cepat pulang (cepat pulang), cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi
Firasatku ingin kau tuk cepat pulang (cepat pulang)
Cepat kembali jangan pergi lagi

Dan lihatlah sayang (lihatlah)
Hujan turun membasahi seolah ku ber air mata
(cepat pulang, cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi)
(firasatku) ingin kau tuk cepat pulang
(cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi) ku hanya ingin kau kembali
(firasatku ingin kau tuk cepat pulang) pulang
(cepat kembali, jangan pergi lagi)
Aku pun sadari kau takkan kembali lagi

— April 6, 2017